leslieism

I just did the dishes and I found myself laughing…to myself, as I recalled a recent article I read in Cosmo that suggested doing the dishes naked…to make it more fun!  Who does that?? That doesn’t even remotely sound fun and I like to think of myself as the type of person that does in fact like to have fun.

Instead of ripping my clothes off while doing the dishes, I thought about something that happened today and I feel the need to share.  Because that is what I do.  I get all personal sometimes and have certain people in my life get all embarrassed of and/or for me.  Why!?  I’m not embarrassed of anything I write…it’s me, it’s who I am and I am no different than anyone else….for the most part we are all one and the same.

My theory on shame is as such; if you are trying to better your life then you do not need to be ashamed of your past.  Even if the “past” is only like an hour ago.  If you learned from your mistake an hour ago and you are trying to better yourself or the situation presently, then do not be ashamed or embarrassed.  Sometimes we don’t learn the first time and we need to make the same mistake 2,3, maybe 15 more times….15 is my average.

An appropriate example for me to feel shame/embarrassment:  If I was a crackhead, perhaps living in a stranger’s fifth-wheel, possibly stealing their internet/cable connection…..because let’s be real, I’m a crackhead….I am up all night abusing Google and I got no money.

Now, once I begin to change my life and experience “the shift” (thank you, Dr. Wayne Dyer), I do not need to be ashamed of my old crackhead ways, instead rather, I choose to laugh about them and share my stories.

Getting back on point, today I was asked by a judge to hold up my right hand and swear to tell the truth.  As I said, “I do”, I was actually debating on if I would be completely honest; if I was confronted with a situation I am not proud to admit.  My heart was pounding at the thought of lying and I almost convinced myself that I could lie, even though it’s not my style.  I was willing to lie because I was embarrassed and ashamed of something I had done…..that is why many people lie.  The reason it is best to just fess up???  Lying gets confusing and in the end , the truth is always seen.

The truth is always SEEN….not heard.  Because of my actions, I felt okay with telling the truth, no matter how it may make me look…..my actions have my back.

I will never know for sure what would have happened in court today, as my “situation” was never even mentioned.  What did happen in court today though……I was able to hold my head high because the truth inside me knows that I have done everything I possibly can and I am only making decisions based upon the best interest of my daughter and myself.  The actions or lack thereof, of the other party …..well, the judge was not interested in hearing anything they had to SAY. They left with their head held high also(being a liar can give you a false sense of ego and entitlement)……and with a police escort…..due to their ACTIONS in court.

Nobody likes a liar…..nor do liars like themselves.  I will take note of this day and how I felt when I was contemplating telling a lie.  Thank you baby Jesus and Abe Lincoln for setting the bar on honesty.

Have you ever been in the Grocery Outlet, letting your child spend the $5 gift card she won from a coloring contest aaaannnnddd forgot that you put some medication, in the form of a pill, in your pocket?  Then did you pop that pill like the piece of gum you thought it was and bite down aggressively to begin your gum chewing?  Did you immediately taste possibly the worst, most bitter taste you have ever tasted….realize what you had done and quickly form a game plan to get it out of your mouth fast?  Were you standing behind your daughter as she looked at toys….did you put your hand to your mouth and spit in it?  Did you dig out the chunk that was stuck in your back molar and spit again?  Were you standing in the aisle with a handful of spit and broken pieces of pill…gagging on the bitter taste still in your mouth while looking for a place to hide the evidence of your stupidity?  Was the only place you could find to stash your stash…the floor, under the bottom shelf?  Did you look all shady, like a shoplifter?  Did your tongue go numb and cause a bit of concern….debating on whether a call to the 24hr nurse hotline was in order?  Did you leave the Grocery Outlet and get a surge of guilt, thinking that a child may eat your spitty pill off the floor?  Were you relieved when the numbness finally left your tongue hours later? I may or may not have had this happen to me today.

Have you ever had a major crush on a guy, like a Cosmo worthy crush…..on a younger guy? 8 to 10 years younger?  Have you ever been a MILF that turned into a MIAF(c’mon peeps figure that one out)?  Alright, so you hook up with this young hottie and very quickly you become his M….drop the ilf.  

Seriously, I got a text asking how to get a stain out of a shirt and after throwing out a few suggestions…I received an “LOL” and asked if I could just pick up the shirt and do it for him.

1.  Um NO! and 2. Just because I am a mom, doesn’t mean I’m good at laundry.

Let’s make this situation stranger….I have continued to get booty call texts(booty CALL texts….ahhh teens of today).  A degree in psychology is not necessary to psychoanalyze this Oedipus complex mess.

Psychoanalyze me, or not because I already have and it’s not pretty, I did not stop talking (texting) to him.  Ultimately, whateves….a young hottie with no strings attached (except when he is playing with his yo yo) and definitely no feelings/emotions involved(except for when I feel like he should be grounded for ruining his good shirt) it really is the ideal situation.

Hey Cosmo, thank you so much for the great ideas on how to meet men!!  The arcade is brilliant….it never would have crossed my mind to meet a man at an arcade.  My favorite suggestion and one that I fully intend on trying out….meeting men at beer gardens.  Beer gardens, like you pointed out, are not at all like being at a meat market of a bar.  Well, they kind of are…but since they are outdoors and have garden in the name it’s totally different.  I also applaud you on the idea of bringing a game, such as Jenga, with me to the garden of beer and men…I mean why wouldn’t a guy want to play a game, that is not at all weird.  I don’t own Jenga…..but I do own UNO……do you think the guys would go all Freud on me and assume I have solidarity issues and that I may be too independent of a woman, if I bring UNO instead of Jenga??  Forget it, I will just bring Jenga, end of story.  Anyhow, thank you sooo much for your great advice.  If I keep reading your amazing and profound articles, I may  snag myself another husband in no time.  And he will be ecstatic over the mind blowing sex tricks I continue to learn from you.  Thank you Cosmo, I have new reasons for living.

I love playing dirty, literally, I love playing in the dirt and mud.  I feel most pretty when I’m dirty…..the dirtier I am the prettier I feel.  Sounds very bizarre, yet this has always been the case for me.  Trying to psychoanalyze myself and my dirty ideals, I realize the simplicity on which they are based upon. 

After playing softball, people are focused on my cloak of filth, my bleeding leg, bruised arm and possibly my sweat cologne.  They are so preoccupied with what they physically see and perhaps smell they do not judge my face or body…at least not on a beauty basis.

I watched a documentary tonight about happiness.  A beauty queen was run over by a truck….destroying half of her beauty queen face.  The husband left her.  The woman started remembering suppressed memories, throughout her 30 some operations.  She remembered her father raping her.

Skipping ahead, this amazing woman is happier than she has ever been in her life.  She is remarried to a man that sees her true beauty.  This woman’s smile…..well, it’s contagious and it makes her glow.

Moral of the story??  It’s really just a reminder to not judge a book by it’s cover.  Also, I wonder if people understand how beautiful they become when they smile?  I wonder if people understand how ugly they become when they are mean and judgmental?

I also wonder if I will ever be able to look at myself in the mirror (when I’m clean) and not cringe.  When I’m dirty and I look in the mirror…..I get all swaggy.  Regardless of cringing or swagging…..I am a happy girl.  I am a happy girl that does not need beauty approval by anyone, especially a man.  One day I will find a man that sees my true beauty.  

Tomorrow I am going to investigate local schools for blind men.

String cheese and carrots?! Really!?  The week I start my period, on a full moon none-the-less, I choose to shop healthy!!?  Man, I feel as if I would do just about anything for some hot fudge….dipping carrots in ranch is not even remotely filling that chocolaty void.  I want chocolate so badly that I cannot sleep.  I’m eating a spoonful of peanut butter hoping…well, I guess hoping I can trick myself into thinking I’m eating a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

I have to go to court next week and it’s triggering all sorts of madness within me.  Anxious, resentful, angry and then sad.  Very, very sad.  Fear is following very closely to sadness…if sadness was driving in front of fear, it would keep brake-checking fear…that is how much fear is up sadness’s ass.

I never wanted to get divorced or have a broken family.  The fact of the matter though, whether married or divorced, our family was broken.  This is the sad part. 

The scary part? Trying to re-build my life after the divorce.  Trying to be a mother and a father.  Trying to make the best decisions for my child without a husband to discuss the issues with.  Trying to provide for my child without the income from the husband.  Trying to not act scared, when something is scary, because my child needs to see that she is safe with me, even though I secretly wish the husband was there to protect us. 

The scarier part?  Thinking I may not ever meet someone else.  Thinking I may meet someone else but won’t care because I’m too tired to care.  Thinking my daughter may not ever have a father.

I realize I am a little emotional presently, due in part to menstruation, a full-moon, and the absence of any sort of delicious treats.  The good news?  Emotions are not reality; these emotions will pass and I will soon be feeling happy and grateful again.

Tonight I concluded that learning from mistakes is an opportunity we should not let pass us by. Therefore, I will most definitely remember that hiding chocolate is a most appropriate action.