leslieism

A gasp may be in your near  future.  My daughter expressed a loud gasp when I told her I voted for the first time today.  “Gasp….You are 33 years old and this is your first time voting…why???????”, she says.  Well, I don’t have a real concrete answer. The best I could muster was that I just never really knew to do so.  She asked if my schools told me to vote and I said yes, but that sometimes we need more influence in our lives….living examples, if you will.  From 18-22, I was experiencing living on my own for the first time….without any idea how…I didn’t even know how to balance a checkbook when I was 18.  I drank a lot. A LOT.  From 23-32, I got sober, married and had a baby.  I was a hot mess.  I was very self-absorbed, not because I was a mean person, I just didn’t understand a thing about life.  I was so co-dependent that during the last presidential election, I’m pretty sure I nominated my ex-husband and did a fine job as his campaign manager.

So here we are today.  Why did I vote today?  Well, Cheri has taught me about: believing in myself, trusting myself, unconditional love, grace and dignity, integrity and sober living.  Sarah has taught me about: passion and compassion and a few of the ingredients I received from Cheri, as well.  Shirleen taught me about: self-confidence, mothering and perseverance.  Heidi taught me about:  cooking, genuine sweetness and family.  Sabrina taught me about:  Hope, family and love. 

This is unfortunately a very small list and I apologize because I have left many amazing women out…..honestly, I need to finish some homework before school….so this has to be a quickie.

My point?  If you did not learn what you should have learned growing up….reach out and surround yourself by people that you want to learn from….and be like.

I voted for the first time today because people (i admire) told me I could and I should and that I matter.  I want to tell them thank you and I want to urge others to vote…..because WE all matter.

Currently I am surrounded by people that are on the verge of “giving up”, whatever that may mean to them. I get it. I spent an hour crying in the bath today. And as I sit here, at Shari’s, my head feels so heavy from tears and disappointment I can barely put sentences together for this blog….let alone concentrate on the mountain of homework I need to attack. So I’m going to attack some pie instead and gather my thoughts….and continue on with life. If it were possible, I would carry around a hypodermic needle filled with a rainbow and some love and inject into anyone feeling like “giving up”. Just like the needle full of adrenaline scene in ‘Pulp Fiction’, I would jump start hearts. But alas, it’s not possible. So this is what I am going to do instead…..I’m going to tell you that you will be okay….and so will I.
I’m not going to tell you not to feel your feelings, because it is very important to feel our feelings. Our feelings can fuel us into changing our lives and remind us why we want to change. Crying? I hope you have. Crying for sadness and even happiness for that matter is a release we all need to experience from time to time.
What I am going to tell you may hurt, may make you mad or hopefully help. Our minds are powerful and we can make the “giving up” feeling disappear, by changing our mindset. We have a choice to acknowledge and embrace our pain….indulge it for a minute, because we are human and because it’s vital in our journey of discovering ourselves. Then, we have the choice to let it move in and take over our entire being like a flesh-eating disease, and by flesh I mean, soul. This would be the point where we “give up”. And when you “give up”, I just want it to be understood that not only did we make the choice to do so, but that it was the most selfish act we could ever commit. We have no idea what the future holds for us and what lives we may touch along the way.
Personally, I have lost so much, but ironically, most of what I lost…I never really had in the first place. I have learned to stop judging my insides by other people’s outsides and by doing so, I realize I have in fact, lost nothing. So what does that mean? I want more? More what? Someday, it will all make sense and everything will fall into place for me……and for you.
Today I am not going to “give up” and I pray you will not as well. I am going to eat some pie, do some homework and be thankful for the life I have been given thus far. I will make the necessary adjustments to compliment my disappointments and continue forward. Today I choose to make myself happy. I hope you do the same….and if you are struggling, try some pie; pie is like happiness with a buttery crust.