leslieism

I allowed my daughter to huff and puff and sigh and mumble in frustration,  while I quizzed her on her weekly vocab words.  I did not accommodate her negative outburst however.  “Blah blah blah…..I will never know how to spell these!!”.

I ungracefully snapped, ” Listen!  You think you can’t and you won’t!  You say you can’t and you won’t!  We are what we think and say….the universe gives us what we think and say.  We act how we think and say”!

When we understand this concept, our lives will change positively.  Or negatively, depending on what exactly you are thinking and saying.  When I say that I’ve never been good with grammar and punctuation I damn well know it’s because I’ve never cared to be good or the goodest.

The goodest… What so many people strive to be, and why so many people are unhappy.  I cannot count the number of times (because I’m horrible at math and always will be) today that I either witnessed or participated in “life comparing”.  “Life comparing” is a new term I just made up and one day you will see it in a psychology journal or a Reader’s Digest….or a Teen Beat, and that is just fine with me because I choose not to “life compare” myself to some “world-renowned smarty pants”, I am who I am. 

Just because I am where I am in life right now, doesn’t mean it’s forever.  And the things I want to change and happen…..take time.  Sometimes we set unrealistic expectations, such as time limits, and create unnecessary unhappiness.  Accept and be content while you grow! 

Life is so short…MAKE THE BEST OF IT! ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

I can’t spend another minute obsessing over the fact that one of my best friend’s got a piece of crap car, from “little Mexico” (it’s not even in Mexico), with a huge Tinkerbell decal on the back window and that I will probably never get to visit this “little Mexico” because it’s not even in Mexico, so who knows where it is and then I will never get a huge Tinkerbell decal for the back window of my electric blue Dodge Neon.  I have to accept and be content with the drummer decals on my back window.

Today we celebrate the life of Martin Luther King Jr.  This inspiring and courageous man is proof that we are what we think and say and that the universe will deliver  what we think and say………..and that change takes time.

VALIDATION.  Tonight someone used this word in a sentence…regarding me and my possible need for it. (They were not at all being rude, I must point out)  Oooohhh boy did I get tight-lipped, right eyebrow raised and chewing on the inside of my cheek real quick like.  I wanted the conversation that I started, to end immediately.  It didn’t end however, because the other person is more rational and less emotional than I.

I went to bed shortly after the talk and I tossed and turned, unable to shut down my thoughts.  In the midst of my ridiculous attempt at sleep, a text arrived.  A text  that made me smile, feel better and, damn it, gave me validation; validation I apparently am seeking.  But here’s the deal folks, I stopped needing validation from others awhile ago….when did this start again?  When did my own validation for myself stop being enough?  At what point did I start caring so much, again,  what other  people think of me?   Well, roughly about the time I stopped being able to write my blog.

Because it’s late and I’m tired and getting over being sick, I will just get straight to the point.  I’ve become spiritually lost? Sidetracked? Both, because they pretty much mean the same thing.  The seriousness of this matter is pretty severe for a  raging alcoholic, such as I am. 

Dry drunk.  That is what’s happening to me, or rather, I am making happen.  In a short period of time I have begun to live in fear and worry, insecurities and doubt, anger and bitterness have even popped in to say hello.

This is what happens when an alcoholic does not work a program of recovery.  The solution is simple and self-awareness is the first step for me.  My life and my mind have become more and more unmanageable and it’s time to refocus.  If I do not take action immediately, I will surely self sabotage a great happiness in my life.  I trust that I deserve happiness, as do we all, but I must revisit the steps that helped me to trust trust.

Well, this isn’t my best work, but the good news?  I don’t need your validation.

 Oh my goodness.  It has been nearly two months since my last blog and I have so much to say that I almost have nothing to say.  I don’t even know where to begin. 

I want to talk about why I have not been able to touch my blog.  I want to share with you my struggles as well as the many blessings that have occurred over the last two months.  I want to tell you about a new guy in my life; a guy who is the exact opposite of douche bag.  I want to make you laugh.  I want to wish you all a very Happy New Year! I want to talk about resolutions and bettering ourselves for the sake of mankind.

So, as you can see I’ve got a lot of ground to cover and it will take a little time.  This was a huge step for me, just opening up my blog and looking at it…let alone write anything.  I let disappointment affect my self-worth…..struggles I digested as being a failure……I stopped smiling as much….I forgot my purpose and narrowed my perspective……..THIS IS THE OLD ME and I let her start to move in again.  Well, I sucked it up and I punched that bitch face….just kidding.  Honestly, all the loving people in my life snapped me out of it and I feel so very blessed.

These tiny little paragraphs are all I’ve got tonight but it’s just the beginning.  Before I head off to bed, I have to tell you all how much I appreciate you…for reading my stuff, for your comments, for your messages, for your love and support.    I wish you all knew how much you really carry me.

I wish you the best year, filled with love and happiness!

Love,

Leslie