leslieism

VALIDATION.  Tonight someone used this word in a sentence…regarding me and my possible need for it. (They were not at all being rude, I must point out)  Oooohhh boy did I get tight-lipped, right eyebrow raised and chewing on the inside of my cheek real quick like.  I wanted the conversation that I started, to end immediately.  It didn’t end however, because the other person is more rational and less emotional than I.

I went to bed shortly after the talk and I tossed and turned, unable to shut down my thoughts.  In the midst of my ridiculous attempt at sleep, a text arrived.  A text  that made me smile, feel better and, damn it, gave me validation; validation I apparently am seeking.  But here’s the deal folks, I stopped needing validation from others awhile ago….when did this start again?  When did my own validation for myself stop being enough?  At what point did I start caring so much, again,  what other  people think of me?   Well, roughly about the time I stopped being able to write my blog.

Because it’s late and I’m tired and getting over being sick, I will just get straight to the point.  I’ve become spiritually lost? Sidetracked? Both, because they pretty much mean the same thing.  The seriousness of this matter is pretty severe for a  raging alcoholic, such as I am. 

Dry drunk.  That is what’s happening to me, or rather, I am making happen.  In a short period of time I have begun to live in fear and worry, insecurities and doubt, anger and bitterness have even popped in to say hello.

This is what happens when an alcoholic does not work a program of recovery.  The solution is simple and self-awareness is the first step for me.  My life and my mind have become more and more unmanageable and it’s time to refocus.  If I do not take action immediately, I will surely self sabotage a great happiness in my life.  I trust that I deserve happiness, as do we all, but I must revisit the steps that helped me to trust trust.

Well, this isn’t my best work, but the good news?  I don’t need your validation.