leslieism

I hate worms. I hate worms so much, that in seventh grade I chose to write a report versus dissecting a worm.  I had no issues dissecting anything else that year, just worms.  Today, I willingly opened up a big ol’ can of worms and I felt just as uncomfortable as I did on that sordid day in seventh grade science class.

Sometimes, for the sake of our children, we need to open cans of worms. Hell, sometimes, if duty as a parent calls, we may even need to eat those damn worms. Throw up as I might, I choked down those nasty worms. I also cried.

I could not exactly pinpoint the critical motive for my tears….I’m pretty sure each tear had it’s own personal motive.

I drove around crying and talking to myself. When I noticed that I was being noticed, I picked up my cell phone and had a pretend emotional phone conversation. Until I saw the Sheriff. So, to avoid getting a very real ticket, I dropped my phone and just pretended I had a Bluetooth. Upon reaching my destination, I decided (for my sanity) I should make an actual call to an actual person.

I called the next best thing to “Dear Abby”….I called, my dearest Cheri. We laughed that I was crying. She listened to my rambling…and she related to my rambles. Everything is okay. My life is still amazing. I do not need to create chaos when there is none. I do not need to control EVERYTHING….just myself. I’m still happy and feeling blessed….no amount of worms can ever take that from me. And most importantly, today, my daughter was the happiest I have seen in two years. Everything aside, that is all that matters to me. Her smiles. Her smiles are like the hot sun to worms. And she couldn’t stop smiling today.

Tonight I go to bed with an elated heart.  I prayed to make the right choice today and I was willing to accept God’s help.  I feel at peace and I can only describe it as a heart that has welcomed forgiveness and a will that has been turned over to God. 

I let go of my need to control the outcome, no matter how good my intentions….my ego has played supreme ruler…over destiny. 

Do not misunderstand me, I will protect my child at all costs and stay in control…as necessary…as warranted…and God willing.

For now, I let go.  For now, I feel a new hope.  My heart hurts less today than it has in two years.  That, to me, is what hope looks like.  That, to me, is God’s love. 

I do not know what the future holds and I don’t want to know.  What I do know…is enough for today.  I will continue to pray for forgiveness, courage, and hope.

I celebrated my triumph over fear today, quietly and alone….another victory in itself.  Oh, and ice-cream, triumph celebration did indeed involve a dairy delight.