leslieism

My life is literally falling apart because I can’t figure out how to hook up my WiFi modem and router thingy. Obviously I’m exaggerating. Lack of Internet connection is only a minor contribution to my unraveling life. And really, it’s not even the lack of Internet, it’s the fakn cables that make the Internet happen.  It’s always the fakn cable wires that do me in!  Why???  Well, I guess because they make me feel helpless…and sweaty, yeah, I get real sweaty when I’m confused and frustrated.  You should see me do math… I wear sweat bands…and drink Gatorade.  Have you ever known someone that needs electrolytes to do math? Yeah and by, “do math”, I mean, stare at numbers and doodle. Seriously, what am I,  a flippin’ scientist?  Everyone knows that you literally have to be a Rocket Scientist to do math.

So, here I am, all sweaty, and I’ve got life perched on my shoulder like a Parrot, squawking,  “POLLY WANTS AN EFFING CRACKER! “, and now I feel like a failure because I’ve got no crackers. No crackers…can’t “do math”…not a Rocket Scientist…apartment is a mess…forgot how to cook…don’t own a home…everything I own is breaking…don’t have my Masters…my baby is starting middle school…I don’t know how to deal with preteen hormones…I don’t know how to make up the absence of her father…I can barely pay my bills…I keep getting older…I have issues with trust…I’m afraid that the love I dream of is nothing more than a dream…I fear (insert pretty much anything)…I feel like I’m failing as a mother.

And yet, I keep my head held (mostly) high and tell myself: I have Saltines in the pantry…2+2=4…No, but I am a Vocational Skills Rehabilitation Counselor, and that sounds pretty cool too…I started cleaning yesterday…I’m literate and can read recipes…owning a home by next summer is realistically feasible…things break, at least they’re just things…if I want my Masters I can and will…my childcare worries are over…they have library books on puberty…I’ve been doing the best I can and that’s all I can continue to do…bills are just bills, you can’t squeeze blood from a cow to make 50 cents into a Benjamin, or something like that…older=wiser and let’s be honest, sexier… trust issues mean vulnerability issues and I’m way too courageous for that nonsense…well, dream love is better than a nightmare…I do fear everything all the time, but I act like I don’t so much, that even I forget I’m afraid…if I don’t quit on my kid, then it’s impossible for me to be a failure as a mother.

Yep, I keep it together, hold back tears and emotions like a Boss. I tell myself all the shit I would say to a friend, if they were experiencing similar feelings.

Then I have to deal with cable wires…and I melt to the floor like I’ve done a million times, (maybe closer to six)(not six million, just six)(I told you I’m not a Rocket Scientist, get over it)… six sounds about right. Once a year for the six years I’ve lived in this apartment. And really, if I think about it,  having a cable wire induced meltdown once a year is nothing compared to the daily (not cable wire induced) meltdowns I had the six years prior.

Ahhh as I reread all that I’ve just written, I realize that my blogs haven’t changed much over the last few years….there’s always something,  a rough patch to trek through.  But you know what?  That’s life.  Life is one rough patch after another.  But you get to choose if you trek alone,  pick berries on the way, laugh when you get tangled in a sticker bush, find creative ways to travel, make paths for the people behind you, and make your own path lead to happiness.

Ironically, my path to happiness, may or may not have led to a small ravine behind my apartments…where I may or may not have accidentally thrown the meltdown inducing cable wires.  I may or may not feel happier. Okay, I may.