leslieism

3 months off Facebook felt like the only way to gain a bit of control over my life…over my thoughts.  I want to compare it to Anorexia, and I will, because I used to be Anorexic.  One time I had Pneumonia and could barely eat for like three, maybe two, days.  My fight with Bulimia may actually be a better analogy.  I couldn’t make myself throw up without the aid of cottage cheese.  I would take the lid off and raise the tub to my nostrils…inhale deeply until I gagged.  Next I would use my pointer and middle fingers to scoop a large mass of Crest White-Strip white(why is cottage cheese so white?), unevenly chopped, miniature agglomerations dripping in their own disgustingness and deposit into my mouth.  I would then, well, picture yourself gargling mouthwash and substitute the mouthwash with cottage cheese.  Shortly into this “procedure” I’d begin to dry-heave and eventually vomit until my eyes watered and I complimented myself on a Bulimic job well done.  The moot point here would be to share the fact that all I would do later; is eat double at some point to make up for my random Bulimic fits.  The case in point however, is that eating disorders are a way for people to feel like they are in control of something.   Their (my) life?  Their (my) thoughts?  Their (my) insecurities?  And although I may have been a little unconventional with my methods…it worked for me.  Temporarily.  And made me super hungry.

So yeah, I know the deactivation of my Facebook account and purposely gagging on cottage cheese is a transparent comparison… but for some, maybe not so much.  I’ll speak frankly, I’ve said it before and you can bet your sweet ass I’ll say it again…cottage cheese is just wrong and I think it was invented by the Commies.  Oh and….life.is.hard.

Life is hard.  It’s hardness comes in all sorts of mystical forms, depths, degrees…what might seem like a major mountain to one person is another person’s mole hill, and vice versa.  I recently spent an evening with a girlfriend who has suffered a terrible loss.  We talked for hours and she even shared some of her life story with me.  I cried in disbelief of the pain she has faced and even conquered.  I’m sure she is unaware of the strength that radiates from her soul, touching so many lives…  During the evening she asked questions about my personal maladies…I felt ashamed of my pain after hearing her story.  And she said that  a person’s pain is their pain and doesn’t make it hurt any less(I have a very Dyslexic memory and that is most definitely not how she worded it…but hopefully you get the gist).  We cried together and determined that life is going to continue to do what life does…and all we can do is keep moving forward.  Just keep moving forward.

I reread my blogs and feel as if I live in some perpetual whirlwind, a never ending roller coaster called life….and I do.  We do.

I judge myself on what I think others judge me by and if I don’t get a grip it’ll kill me.  I spent the last few months trying to get that grip and you know what?  I grasped it…it slipped away…I grasped it…it slipped away…perpetual whirlwind I tell ya.  Today it slipped from my grasp again and I sat in my no longer electric blue Dodge Neon but more of a lunar metallic Honda Civing Touring, and I blared rap music while sobbing and getting a grip.  And I got it.  I reminded myself that it doesn’t matter what other people do or don’t think about me, as cliche as it sounds, it only matters what I believe about myself.

You may wonder why I joked about the cottage cheese bulimia… well, because it’s a true story… and it happened when I was 16 yrs old.  I’m now 36 yrs old and apparently facing the similar fears of my 16 yr old self.  You may now wonder why I would share something like that… aren’t I embarrassed?  Aren’t I worried about my image?  Nope.  I have been put down by other’s for some of my actions, writings, behaviors, etc. Included in those put downs was a question like, “How would you feel if your daughter read your blogs…or watched your silly videos”.  My response?  Not only do I hope she reads my blogs but I think I may turn them into a book for her.  Most everything I do is for her.  I put myself out there for others to judge me…..so that my daughter will do the same and not be afraid to shine.

Over the past few months I disappointed and let down many people.  Do you know what all those people did?  They tracked down my best friend and my mom and sent out search parties…they called and texted and checked on me…they made sure I knew I was loved.  They showed up at my work with a pumpkin pie and whip cream!!  I let them down and they gave me pie?  Count your blessings folks.  I had started to count (and compare to others) my achievements and material possessions as blessings …and my spiritual state of mind went to shit.  At what point did I forget that the love in my life is the only blessing I need?  I am so blessed.  I want to thank all of you (if you think I might possibly be talking about YOU, then I probably am!) for loving me.  Your love saved my life.  If I disappear again, please know I am okay…I just needed to take a little break and listen to some rap.