leslieism

Having serious talks in new relationships can be scary. Last night something came up and pretty much needed to be discussed intensly. I was not entirely thrilled with all that was said, but I appreciated the honesty. We seem to have a lot of honesty between us and by building this trust, we are able to communicate openly. So, it would appear that we do not share the same tastes in ice-creams and baked goods. In fact, we disagree frequently on the deliciousness factor in foods.

As I sat there, inhaling my cinnamon bun Ben & Jerry’s, my brain snapped into it’s autistic mode…..I analyzed a situation, combined with a series of my life situations, in .05 seconds. This could honestly be a gift, my autism, but I haven’t mastered it’s magical powers yet and I just get confused a lot and have a hard time speaking in complete sentences.

I peered at him over the top of my pint o’ goodness, questioning what we could possibly have in common…..how could this relationship work out if we are constantly disputing food choices. Especially when cherry pie is clearly the best pie. And sour cream, I mean, really? I pretty much drink sour cream.

Well into my .05 second analysis, I realized that food might have been the only thing my ex-husband and I had in common. Evidently food does not create a lasting and meaningful bond between two people. Or sex. Imagine a relationship is an art project….. like food, sex is not the hot glue binding a relationship….sex should be the glitter….morals, values, honesty and integrity, these are the hot glue.

Nearing the end of my .05 secs I concluded as such…..different likes in food is the “small stuff” and if the “big stuff” shares a commonality, well, you just might have a good thing going. You just might have name brand hot glue…..and good hot glue holds gobs of glitter. We definitely share an appreciation for glitter and I think we might be using some Louis Viutton glue.

As he sucks off the ice-cream that dripped on his shirt….I smile…..and appreciate the small stuff that we do have in common……and then spoon up the ice-cream off my shirt.

“I can’t stop doing math equations in my head and I just want to sleep”, says my weepy daughter.  I muffled my laughter and held back my ‘Rain man’ remark (to her face) and tried to grasp what was really happening.   I concluded there was a combo platter of (lack of) sleep delirium and emotional confusion from a decision I made.

Today I question my choice, kind of, sorta,……enough to feel like a good parent anyways.  I am pleased to announce that I did the right thing.  I think.

Well that’s that. As long as we think out scenarios, weigh pros and cons, do the best we can……we are still gonna screw up.  The fact that we care about our choices for our children…..well, I don’t know, maybe we screw up less?

Here’s the deal: As long as we make decisions with our children’s best interest at heart…..we can make decisions with our best interest at heart also….and at the same time, intertwined if you will. I will, and I did. 

I’m excited about benefiting from this experience.  I may have a “card counter” on my hands and I have no problem abusing her new talent.  I thought it out and yep, very comfortable with that decision.

Life is about choices…….and understanding that we get to make our own choices.  Sometimes we may make a decision and the outcome will not be as was expected.  So we roll with it and/or make another decision.  Choice + choice + choice + choice x infinity= our life we make.

Sometimes I struggle with having too many choices and instead of making any decision I become overwhelmed and just take a nap.  And trust me, they are not the warm, cozy, lovely naps but instead they are restless, nightmarish and sweaty.

Prioritize and simplify.  By excommunicating toxicity and chaos, I leave room for clearer thoughts.  A clear head can prioritize and begin a life simplification process……along with motivation and desire.

I firmly believe that the best way to live the best life is to “surround” yourself with the best people.  These kind of people like to prioritize and live simply, without toxicity and chaos.  Boom! How easy was that to excommunicate those positive energy vampires.  (Get it? They suck out your positive energy like a vampire sucks out your blood.  You need blood to live.  You need positive energy to really live….life to the fullest!  For the record however, I am on team Edward.)

Now, we cannot just “hang out” with these awesome people and expect our lives to become awesome…..awesome will not get handed to us on a silver platter.  I ordered it once and they actually asked me to leave the restaurant. (On a side note, I always spell restaurant wrong and the reason for this is because the dictionary actually spelled it wrong.  Frustrating.  It makes more sense if it was spelled, restaraunt.)  So, since we cannot just eat a plate of awesome, we need to work for it or on it or with it or something like that.  Ask your amazing friends for help, advice, suggestions……..and really listen.

I dedicate this lil bloggity blog to all the awesome people in my life that help me find my hidden awesome every day.  I am grateful for their help, advice, suggestions……for making me think outside my box….for making me ask questions……for helping me see my capabilities.

I talk big and try to motivate others and all the while, I forget to prioritize, simplify, and remember that I myself am capable of reaching my potential….hell, exceeding my potential.  Just because I may not know exactly how much I am capable of or what my potential really is…..doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying.  All I can do is make thoughtful choices and try my best…..correct my mistakes and most importantly, not be too hard on myself.

Thank you for my pep talk last night, from an awesome person I choose to have in my life.

I allowed my daughter to huff and puff and sigh and mumble in frustration,  while I quizzed her on her weekly vocab words.  I did not accommodate her negative outburst however.  “Blah blah blah…..I will never know how to spell these!!”.

I ungracefully snapped, ” Listen!  You think you can’t and you won’t!  You say you can’t and you won’t!  We are what we think and say….the universe gives us what we think and say.  We act how we think and say”!

When we understand this concept, our lives will change positively.  Or negatively, depending on what exactly you are thinking and saying.  When I say that I’ve never been good with grammar and punctuation I damn well know it’s because I’ve never cared to be good or the goodest.

The goodest… What so many people strive to be, and why so many people are unhappy.  I cannot count the number of times (because I’m horrible at math and always will be) today that I either witnessed or participated in “life comparing”.  “Life comparing” is a new term I just made up and one day you will see it in a psychology journal or a Reader’s Digest….or a Teen Beat, and that is just fine with me because I choose not to “life compare” myself to some “world-renowned smarty pants”, I am who I am. 

Just because I am where I am in life right now, doesn’t mean it’s forever.  And the things I want to change and happen…..take time.  Sometimes we set unrealistic expectations, such as time limits, and create unnecessary unhappiness.  Accept and be content while you grow! 

Life is so short…MAKE THE BEST OF IT! ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

I can’t spend another minute obsessing over the fact that one of my best friend’s got a piece of crap car, from “little Mexico” (it’s not even in Mexico), with a huge Tinkerbell decal on the back window and that I will probably never get to visit this “little Mexico” because it’s not even in Mexico, so who knows where it is and then I will never get a huge Tinkerbell decal for the back window of my electric blue Dodge Neon.  I have to accept and be content with the drummer decals on my back window.

Today we celebrate the life of Martin Luther King Jr.  This inspiring and courageous man is proof that we are what we think and say and that the universe will deliver  what we think and say………..and that change takes time.

VALIDATION.  Tonight someone used this word in a sentence…regarding me and my possible need for it. (They were not at all being rude, I must point out)  Oooohhh boy did I get tight-lipped, right eyebrow raised and chewing on the inside of my cheek real quick like.  I wanted the conversation that I started, to end immediately.  It didn’t end however, because the other person is more rational and less emotional than I.

I went to bed shortly after the talk and I tossed and turned, unable to shut down my thoughts.  In the midst of my ridiculous attempt at sleep, a text arrived.  A text  that made me smile, feel better and, damn it, gave me validation; validation I apparently am seeking.  But here’s the deal folks, I stopped needing validation from others awhile ago….when did this start again?  When did my own validation for myself stop being enough?  At what point did I start caring so much, again,  what other  people think of me?   Well, roughly about the time I stopped being able to write my blog.

Because it’s late and I’m tired and getting over being sick, I will just get straight to the point.  I’ve become spiritually lost? Sidetracked? Both, because they pretty much mean the same thing.  The seriousness of this matter is pretty severe for a  raging alcoholic, such as I am. 

Dry drunk.  That is what’s happening to me, or rather, I am making happen.  In a short period of time I have begun to live in fear and worry, insecurities and doubt, anger and bitterness have even popped in to say hello.

This is what happens when an alcoholic does not work a program of recovery.  The solution is simple and self-awareness is the first step for me.  My life and my mind have become more and more unmanageable and it’s time to refocus.  If I do not take action immediately, I will surely self sabotage a great happiness in my life.  I trust that I deserve happiness, as do we all, but I must revisit the steps that helped me to trust trust.

Well, this isn’t my best work, but the good news?  I don’t need your validation.

 Oh my goodness.  It has been nearly two months since my last blog and I have so much to say that I almost have nothing to say.  I don’t even know where to begin. 

I want to talk about why I have not been able to touch my blog.  I want to share with you my struggles as well as the many blessings that have occurred over the last two months.  I want to tell you about a new guy in my life; a guy who is the exact opposite of douche bag.  I want to make you laugh.  I want to wish you all a very Happy New Year! I want to talk about resolutions and bettering ourselves for the sake of mankind.

So, as you can see I’ve got a lot of ground to cover and it will take a little time.  This was a huge step for me, just opening up my blog and looking at it…let alone write anything.  I let disappointment affect my self-worth…..struggles I digested as being a failure……I stopped smiling as much….I forgot my purpose and narrowed my perspective……..THIS IS THE OLD ME and I let her start to move in again.  Well, I sucked it up and I punched that bitch face….just kidding.  Honestly, all the loving people in my life snapped me out of it and I feel so very blessed.

These tiny little paragraphs are all I’ve got tonight but it’s just the beginning.  Before I head off to bed, I have to tell you all how much I appreciate you…for reading my stuff, for your comments, for your messages, for your love and support.    I wish you all knew how much you really carry me.

I wish you the best year, filled with love and happiness!

Love,

Leslie

A gasp may be in your near  future.  My daughter expressed a loud gasp when I told her I voted for the first time today.  “Gasp….You are 33 years old and this is your first time voting…why???????”, she says.  Well, I don’t have a real concrete answer. The best I could muster was that I just never really knew to do so.  She asked if my schools told me to vote and I said yes, but that sometimes we need more influence in our lives….living examples, if you will.  From 18-22, I was experiencing living on my own for the first time….without any idea how…I didn’t even know how to balance a checkbook when I was 18.  I drank a lot. A LOT.  From 23-32, I got sober, married and had a baby.  I was a hot mess.  I was very self-absorbed, not because I was a mean person, I just didn’t understand a thing about life.  I was so co-dependent that during the last presidential election, I’m pretty sure I nominated my ex-husband and did a fine job as his campaign manager.

So here we are today.  Why did I vote today?  Well, Cheri has taught me about: believing in myself, trusting myself, unconditional love, grace and dignity, integrity and sober living.  Sarah has taught me about: passion and compassion and a few of the ingredients I received from Cheri, as well.  Shirleen taught me about: self-confidence, mothering and perseverance.  Heidi taught me about:  cooking, genuine sweetness and family.  Sabrina taught me about:  Hope, family and love. 

This is unfortunately a very small list and I apologize because I have left many amazing women out…..honestly, I need to finish some homework before school….so this has to be a quickie.

My point?  If you did not learn what you should have learned growing up….reach out and surround yourself by people that you want to learn from….and be like.

I voted for the first time today because people (i admire) told me I could and I should and that I matter.  I want to tell them thank you and I want to urge others to vote…..because WE all matter.

Currently I am surrounded by people that are on the verge of “giving up”, whatever that may mean to them. I get it. I spent an hour crying in the bath today. And as I sit here, at Shari’s, my head feels so heavy from tears and disappointment I can barely put sentences together for this blog….let alone concentrate on the mountain of homework I need to attack. So I’m going to attack some pie instead and gather my thoughts….and continue on with life. If it were possible, I would carry around a hypodermic needle filled with a rainbow and some love and inject into anyone feeling like “giving up”. Just like the needle full of adrenaline scene in ‘Pulp Fiction’, I would jump start hearts. But alas, it’s not possible. So this is what I am going to do instead…..I’m going to tell you that you will be okay….and so will I.
I’m not going to tell you not to feel your feelings, because it is very important to feel our feelings. Our feelings can fuel us into changing our lives and remind us why we want to change. Crying? I hope you have. Crying for sadness and even happiness for that matter is a release we all need to experience from time to time.
What I am going to tell you may hurt, may make you mad or hopefully help. Our minds are powerful and we can make the “giving up” feeling disappear, by changing our mindset. We have a choice to acknowledge and embrace our pain….indulge it for a minute, because we are human and because it’s vital in our journey of discovering ourselves. Then, we have the choice to let it move in and take over our entire being like a flesh-eating disease, and by flesh I mean, soul. This would be the point where we “give up”. And when you “give up”, I just want it to be understood that not only did we make the choice to do so, but that it was the most selfish act we could ever commit. We have no idea what the future holds for us and what lives we may touch along the way.
Personally, I have lost so much, but ironically, most of what I lost…I never really had in the first place. I have learned to stop judging my insides by other people’s outsides and by doing so, I realize I have in fact, lost nothing. So what does that mean? I want more? More what? Someday, it will all make sense and everything will fall into place for me……and for you.
Today I am not going to “give up” and I pray you will not as well. I am going to eat some pie, do some homework and be thankful for the life I have been given thus far. I will make the necessary adjustments to compliment my disappointments and continue forward. Today I choose to make myself happy. I hope you do the same….and if you are struggling, try some pie; pie is like happiness with a buttery crust.

I left class on Friday feeling….well, let me describe it.  As I walked to my car, I sighed very loudly, yawned very loudly, hiccuped, burped (hopefully not very loudly), muttered something like “why hello Mr. Red Bull”(in my version of a James Bond voice)and some sort of moan/groan thing…very loudly, when I realized I did all of that out loud…..I laughed very loudly.  Then I quickly looked around to see if there was anybody hiding in the trees which surround the perimeter of the parking lot, I mean, how embarrassing. But then I laughed again as I became conscious to the fact that if anyone was hiding in the trees watching me…well, they were weirder than I am.  

I arrived home, dragged myself and my backpack to my front door and saw I had a present….from the landlord.  I reenacted my previous showing of “Exhausted and Overwhelmed”, starring, Leslie McCue…..minus the hiccup and burp.  I realize he is just doing his job but c’mon landlord people, if I had the money would it be necessary to even give me a 3-day ‘pay or vacate’ notice?  Do you think that because you gave me 3 days, my money tree is just gonna start sprouting? Again, he is just doing what his bosses have told him to do, we are not going to get evicted because he knows my situation and the money will be here any day.  

Here is the part where I begin to crack slightly however.  I start to cry a tad and my brain tells me that this is NOT FAIR!  WHY ME?  POOR ME!  LIFE IS HARD!

Oh for the love of Pete, that thinking and that attitude is not going to pay the rent.  What can I do about all this?  Well, I would love to blame my ex-husband but I can’t because I have no control over him,therefore I must remove him from my thought process…no solution to be found with him.  Okay, I’m what’s left.

This past year has been difficult to say the least and I thought I had been humbled enough.  WOW……”I thought I had been humbled enough”…..no one should ever believe that.  I am actually more ashamed that I just had that thought, then sharing with you the fact that I received an eviction notice.

I had so much to write tonight because I’ve been trying to figure this one out all weekend.  However all my thoughts are moot at this point (not gonna lie, anytime I can use the word ‘moot’ I smile…what an odd little word) due to one profound sentence I typed out for the world to see, “I thought I had been humbled enough”.  If you are my friend and I ever say that sentence in your presence…..please feel free to punch me in the face and put me in my place.

Humbled. Check.  Ego.  Not my best friend.  Well, my internal debate over selling the only nice thing I own has now been settled.  Tomorrow I put my beautiful bedroom set on the list de Craig’s.  I mean seriously, my king size, 5-piece bedroom set, wouldn’t exactly fit in my neon….and I want us to be comfortable in our new home.  (Just kidding.  But not really. But yes I am).

It just dawned on me that I don’t really filter when I blog and that could possibly affect my chances of ever gettin’ a man.  Oh dear Lord, that is the last thing I need…could you imagine?  But shoot, when I am ready for one…. I may have to order a guy from Russia that has never read a ‘leslieism’ that’s for sure.  Do I have to be a communist to order a Russian groom?  Ahh, moot point, I’ll convert him.