leslieism

A negative Nazi invaded my life, at birth, and has been ruling over me and dominating my self-worth.  One week ago, while attending a “boy band” concert, I found liberation.  I am free to love myself and that power will never be taken from me again.

All week long, I have been wanting to blog about the concert.  I wanted to share how I felt like a perv because I thought the “boys” in the ‘boy band’ were hot…..although, they did have tatoos and I have decided that tatoos equal “old enough”.  I wanted desperately to describe the humorous situation involving breast milk leaking from best friend’s chest.  I wanted to express how I felt while dancing and singing with my daughter at her first concert and how I teared up when she told me I was her role model.  I wanted to write about all of this and document what was quite possibly the best night of my life.  The best night of my life however, was encompassed by fear and despair as I searched for a solution to an evolving problem.  The empowerment I felt when I deleted the issue at hand by elucidating my quandary, contributed to a short-term-revelation-writer’s block.

I couldn’t sit down and write because I was stuck in an epiphany for the last 7 days and I just now fully grasp the entire meaning…of life…..of my life.

I’m going to skip the details and get straight to my epiphany:  I love myself, I’m proud of myself, I forgive myself, I trust myself, I’m excited for myself, I believe in myself and most importantly…I must reiterate, I love myself.

Can YOU say these things about yourself??  If not, do it right now.  Take back your power….own yourself.

I have come a long way my friends and yet, I still allowed one person to occupy my thoughts and my heart, digressing my spiritual progress. I have finally taken back my power that I believed I couldn’t fully possess, from that person…..and now I feel a new serenity. Not only have I freed myself to love myself, but I have freed myself to love the other person as well.

Most importantly, I freed myself to enjoy a most memorable evening with my child and allowed myself to laugh my ‘laugh-so-hard-I-snort’ laugh, while my best friend had to squeeze out her breast milk in a bathroom, during a ‘boy-band’ concert.  Think of how much joy we ignore when we don’t own ourselves.

I like to think of myself as the type of girl whose life is not dictated by society…or ‘social norms’.  However, ‘social norms’ did me quite the favor this afternoon.  

I had a dentist appointment today and while most people frown upon dental cleanings….I smile.  I’m pretty sure I giggle whenever Dr. McHotn’sexy D.D.S comes in to check on my oral health.  On this particular day Dr. McTalln’gorgeous D.D.S.’s jokes seemed funnier and his smile dreamier.  

I was perfectly content while he made my gums bleed….and hurt, that itchy, uncomfortable, but feels kinda good hurt.  Now, the good doctor decides he must take a look at my ex-rays or ‘films’, as he referred to them, and see what the problem is with my molar.  

I’m laying there with my mouth wide open as Dr. Beautifuln’nicehands leans over me, neck outstretched and face looking back at my ‘films’.  Enter ‘social norms’ please.  I wanted to kiss that sweet dentist’s neck!  I had to actually tell myself that it would not be a good idea because it is “socially unacceptable”.  I then tried to compromise with myself by trading in the neck kiss for an arm lick…..still “socially unacceptable”.  At this point, I’m more than happy for my cleaning to be over….I feel slightly bothered by my awkward thoughts and yet want to laugh out loud as well.

I left the dentist office with my head held high today; the office staff thinking I’m proud of having no cavities.  Little do they realize that it has nothing to do with my teeth and everything to do with my dignity….still intact due to compliance of societal regulations.

I have become a lemon orphanage.  For days now, I hear a knock at my door…I open it and look down.  “Hi, I’m Lemon. Life sent me.”  I have been lining them up on my kitchen table; contemplating what to do with my yellow, sour, friends.  I learned my lesson about ignoring them, so ignoring is out.

I finally decided I needed to call Life and have a serious chat.  I told Life that I am grateful to be deemed a person that can give a loving home to these citrusy fruits and find them purpose and solution.  However, my dear friend, Mr. Life, I am tired…..and could use a little guidance, please.

While I was talking to Life, The World called on the other line.  I’ve got a kitchen full of lemons and both, Life and The World on the phone, breathing became difficult and I sat down, lightheaded.  I asked Life to please think about what I said and I will call back after I speak with The World.  I sighed deeply and spoke freely to The World of the honor I feel when my shoulders can be a place of rest.  However, my sweet amigo, Mr. The World, my back is hurting……and so I must find a more appropriate way of doing my part in carrying you.

The World was saddened about my hurting back and told me to take better care of myself or else I would be of no good use to The World…..and The World needs me to continue doing my part.  I made a promise to take care of myself better and thanked The World for loving me.  I hung up with a smile.

I called Life back immediately and before I could talk, Life told me that if I continue to ask for guidance, Life will show me the way.  Life told me to continue accepting the Lemons…and that if I love my Lemons and do not ignore them…but learn from them, I will succeed in whatever I am trying to achieve.

There was a brief rustling and then The Universe was talking to me.  The Universe said that while drinking coffee at Life’s house, it was impossible to ignore the conversation.  The Universe just wanted to tell me that I will manifest whatever I think, say or do……therefore, I must continue on my positive path and The Universe will provide for me.  The Universe wanted to finish having coffee with Life and told me to go do what I need to do and do it the best I can.  Thank you Universe.

Now I looked at my table full of Lemons, I sized them up and said, “Listen kids, I’m tired of lemonade, we’re bout to make some pie”.

• My feelings on gay marriage? Lay off!! If I want to marry a nice gay man, I can and I will…and it’s none of your damn business!
•  Piece of advice…if you do not have a problem with fiber….do not snack on Fiber One bars….they are not in fact granola bars, as the name suggests, they are in fact fiber bars. Snack wisely.
• Using the power of interpretive dance I gave someone directions to the post office, I also threw in the meaning of life just to be nice. I think my tears and beating the ground with my fists frightened them….they ran off in the wrong direction.

• Integrity…. is trying to do the right thing, because, it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes we do the right thing for the wrong reasons or the wrong thing for the right reasons. Trying to right wrongs for any reason…is integrity too.
• Perfecting worthlessness is not an achievement.
• Hey “victims”, figure it out! Once you have been shown a way out, being a victim becomes a choice. A selfish, self-absorbed, shameless and undignified choice. I do not feel sorry for you anymore. I’m shedding my last tears for you and it’s not even really for you, it’s for my child. She doesn’t deserve any of this and it’s not fair. That being said, in our house we don’t say things like, “I don’t deserve this and it’s not fair”……I choose not to be a victim anymore and I will be damned if I raise one! We have a happy home and a happy life……we are not victims.
• Missing people makes me sad. But alas, I do not hold the key to the door of answers. However, the door of acceptance…….well, it’s always open. Tonight I will go to sleep, excited for what tomorrow may bring me and more importantly……. what I may bring to tomorrow. ♥

Does it mean a person is crazy if they have a tea party by themselves? With a little porcelain tea set? Holding their pinky finger out as they sip from the mini tea cup? Speaking with a British accent and exclaiming their dismay over the absence of scones and biscotti. Rapidly changing seats and assuming a new persona…so as to carry on a conversation?Arising conflict ensues between the tea party-ers as they choose not to accept the circumstances developed by the dearth(lack of supply)damn scones and biscotti. Friend requesting the Queen on facebook? Having it catered by Taco Bell?

• Mimes are funny. I accidentally hit one with my car today and he mimed being hurt really bad. I had a good chuckle and sped off. Silly mime.
• Do you know what I miss the most about being married? Having someone……there for me………..to have my back, or check it rather…… for zits.

• Soooo if you are high as a kite and I ask you for your Albertson’s preferred card or phone number…..do not tell me to get a pen and write your number down. And when you don’t have enough change to purchase your snickers…..so I kick down the rest,just to get you outta my line…..do not say “so uh you gonna go out with me or what?” Are you kidding me? I just helped you buy your snickers….where ya gonna take me? The Dollar Store? …..so um no.But here is an idea…..take your snickers to the movies….do more drugs first……set it in the seat next to you…..and by the end of the movie…..I promise that candybar will look like the hottest chick in the place. NOW, GET OUT OF MY LINE!

A few days ago I posted a blog that influenced an immediate text from a friend of mine, “You doin’ okay sweet pea?”.  I laughed, however I was irritated, obviously the humor in my blog was surmounted by seeming spite.  I explained that I was just trying to be funny, about a serious situation…..not necessarily my situation, a generalization about a life scenario that affects many people.  I suppose I did put a personal spin on it……enter  the spite.  I quickly unpublished my blog because I try to choose words carefully when involving my ex-husband……I try…..sometimes spite likes to say a friendly hello.

Yesterday I got a message via facebook, with an opinion about my aforementioned blog…..apparently anytime I publish a blog, people in my blog group, get an e-mail…..regardless if unpublished.  Now, being me, all I read in the message was, “blah, blah, blah…….questioning my character and my karma….blah, blah,blah”.  This, well, this riled me up in a bad way……and when I get riled up in a bad way it is usually because there is some truth involved.

I deliberately and childishly made a public (well, let’s be clear, more like semi-public, I mean how many people really read this stuff of mine) jab at my ex, that is the truth of the matter.  Upon further investigation I found that I’m angry, caused by fear and sadness and disappointment.  These are my problems…..not his.  HOWEVER, I write about life and some of my writing will involve my marriage, divorce and my ex.  I never write in hopes of gaining sympathy or God forbid, pity.  I write for my healing process.  I write so I can laugh.  I would never want any of my readers to judge my ex-husband poorly.  I am a little biased and you cannot judge a person you have never met…..except for people like Ted Bundy, I never met the guy but I feel perfectly okay with judging him poorly.

Speaking of poorly, I am one broke mutha…literally, because I’m an actual mutha.  When our power gets shut off I just tell my daughter we are playing, “Little House on the Prairie” or “Quakers”.  If we get evicted I have a tarp set aside to play the game, “Third World Country”.

Oh dear, that makes me laugh every time I write it.  That was the acceptable and humorous portion of a paragraph I wanted to share from the Voldemort(the name we never speak of……Harry Potter…keep up folks, read a book, watch a movie) blog.

Hmmmm.  The moral of my story today??  No matter how much I am hurting, I must try to live and write by, grace and dignity. By making grace and dignity my bff’s, I allow serenity into my soul and integrity into my heart.

Speaking of grace and dignity, I must end this rant so I may watch one of my “I need inspiration” movies…..”Cinderella Man”,  and hopefully learn the correct way to cook socks for breakfast.

**Disclaimer:  I do in fact have electricity and I will not be feeding my daughter socks for breakfast.  Loosen up and don’t take life so seriously.

The following may or may not be a true story based on factual events.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a lot on my mind, but the most important thought…..no matter what, life is good.  I sat down at my computer and logged into facebook, checking in first with my gratuity challenge group.  A woman in the group had posted a picture that said, “I will be grateful for this day”…..oh how I needed to see that.  I snagged that gem and re-posted it onto my homepage…inhaling deep breaths of gratuity.

Well, my deep gratuity breaths shortly turned into a soulful, “oh shit” sigh, as my computer powered down….along with anything else in my apartment that was alive due to a source we call “electricity”.

M’kay, first of all, did this make you laugh or at the very least smile?  I hope so, and if not, I highly suggest getting your serious meter checked out.  I laughed because it’s hilarious!  I’m sitting there, in my child size, lime green, Ikea chair….tired and stressed out, but trying to have thoughts only concerning rainbows and cake….and out goes the power because I owe the power lord some money.

After I laughed, I wanted to get mad….but at who?  Damn it!  Me.  I am ultimately the only reason I am now camping.  Oh sure, I could give a few good excuses, sort of, but not really.  Out of all my current troublesome concerns, a $75 power bill should have been crossed off my list first.  Hard to cross stuff off an invisible to-do list.

Ridiculous.  The process of getting power turned back on is ridiculous….and I had to pay a deposit that was twice as much as the bill I ignored.  Silver-ish lining?  I got a brand new account opened with my new/old name, ‘McCue’.  I also learned a lesson.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade and make that shit quick!  Or shoot, if you are given an overabundance of lemons, find other uses for them.  Cuticle cure…zit fix…kill bacteria in open wounds?  I am no doctor, so I really can’t be sure if lemon juice is a good idea for curing cuticles.

What I now know is that I cannot pile my lemons into a basket and shove that basket in the back of the pantry until I’m ready to attempt making lemonade.  Lemons get mouldy and fruit flies will call them home.

Sometimes it’s okay to set problems aside…for awhile.  Sometimes it’s okay to let things work themselves out.  Sometimes however, it makes the smallest of problems grow rather large.  Sometimes it also becomes a habit, a “storing problems” habit and when it comes time to face them…you have no idea where to start.  Good news?  You/I can start wherever and whenever…one thing at a time.  At any point in our lives, or days for that matter, we can choose to start over and make things different.

Now, if this were a true story, my daughter may or may not have said the following while we drove up my parents bumpy, dirt road causing our favorite song to start skipping…….”Aww the power company?”.  I laughed, “No honey, the power company does not control the radio in our car”……..we had a good laugh together.

I sure am grateful for my daughter, our love and our laughter, and of course…electricity…what a splendid invention.