leslieism

Surrounded by books and articles on child abuse and neglect……..I yell at my daughter to “Lay off and let me do my homework!”  I didn’t take her to fastpitch practice tonight because I am completely overwhelmed by the homework that is due tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure she was being annoying this evening in hopes of getting attention from her mother.  Well it worked, she received exceptional amounts of attention from me in the form of yelling.  What is the difference between yelling, screaming, and screaching?  I cannot be sure of what exactly to call my form of “attention”.  Let’s be clear though, I am not pure evil, I cried a little. I sound like a classic abuser….awesome, I can do my own case study, on myself, for my research project.

How the hell do single parents do it?  Work at a job, go to college, homework, housework(on occasion), file taxes, amend 2011 taxes, file FAFSA, check into grad school, make a resume, job search, doctor’s appointments: regular doctor, eye doctor, dentist, orthodontist, therapist, gynecologist, exercise, errands, eat and bathe…..take a breath……RAISE THE CHILD, parent/teacher conference, field-trips, assemblies, fastpitch, drama(both kinds), more medical appointments, sleep-over’s, permission slips, choir club, science club, writing club, chess club, feed and bathe.  Someone once told me that I need better time-management.  My passive aggressive response was, “Any suggestions?  I figure I have 3 options to make more time….quit my job…or drop out of school…or give my child up for adoption.”  We are not friends anymore.

I must be honest and admit that I am bleeding to death right now from some weird hormonal imbalance giving me my period for the third time this month.  Lack of blood is adding to my stress level and having a breakdown was looking pretty inevitable and I do love publicly sharing my breakdowns.  Over the past couple weeks (or months) I have thrown innumerable childish fits….some in my head and some live.  On top of everything, it seems like I am always trying to “figure something out”, whether it be for child care or what shifts I am available for work or (and this might be kind of selfish) an evening alone with my guy………..my guy, the single dad in the same boat.

This is my life.  Some days I’m all mellow and eat organic carrots with hummus and some days I’m a hot mess and scarf cupcakes with energy drink chasers.  Or better yet, and most likely…….I’m both and eat it all.  And I get by just fine…….”with a little help from my friends”(I hope you sang that) and my family……and sometimes, kind-hearted strangers.

That is how the hell single parents do it.  The direction of my rant has turned all positive and gratuitous.  I am grateful for my friends, family, and the kind strangers that have been helping me to live my life and raise my baby.  This is what it’s all about people! Family, friends, compassion, love……we can’t do much alone and sometimes we need to remember that goes the same for others………meaning, we need to reciprocate  or maybe instigate……give, not just take.     Be grateful and share that thankfulness.

I thought I was having a mid-life crisis today, however, I’m only 32 and I am not actually facing any real crisis’…..so maybe it was a panic attack? I reflected a lot today…made me panicky….reflective panic attack?  I was attacked by panicky, reflective thoughts…..but then I told them to shut the F up.  I put my reflective-panic-attack-mid-life crisis in check.  Or on a shelf.  Possibly a file cabinet….that I don’t actually use files so much as I just throw shit inside it and smoosh it all down, pushing adamantly to shut the drawer.  It may not be the healthiest way to deal with a past full of heartache, but in my own ADHD chaos filled head, my organizational skills just make sense.  I live in choreographed craziness and I love it.