leslieism

String cheese and carrots?! Really!?  The week I start my period, on a full moon none-the-less, I choose to shop healthy!!?  Man, I feel as if I would do just about anything for some hot fudge….dipping carrots in ranch is not even remotely filling that chocolaty void.  I want chocolate so badly that I cannot sleep.  I’m eating a spoonful of peanut butter hoping…well, I guess hoping I can trick myself into thinking I’m eating a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

I have to go to court next week and it’s triggering all sorts of madness within me.  Anxious, resentful, angry and then sad.  Very, very sad.  Fear is following very closely to sadness…if sadness was driving in front of fear, it would keep brake-checking fear…that is how much fear is up sadness’s ass.

I never wanted to get divorced or have a broken family.  The fact of the matter though, whether married or divorced, our family was broken.  This is the sad part. 

The scary part? Trying to re-build my life after the divorce.  Trying to be a mother and a father.  Trying to make the best decisions for my child without a husband to discuss the issues with.  Trying to provide for my child without the income from the husband.  Trying to not act scared, when something is scary, because my child needs to see that she is safe with me, even though I secretly wish the husband was there to protect us. 

The scarier part?  Thinking I may not ever meet someone else.  Thinking I may meet someone else but won’t care because I’m too tired to care.  Thinking my daughter may not ever have a father.

I realize I am a little emotional presently, due in part to menstruation, a full-moon, and the absence of any sort of delicious treats.  The good news?  Emotions are not reality; these emotions will pass and I will soon be feeling happy and grateful again.

Tonight I concluded that learning from mistakes is an opportunity we should not let pass us by. Therefore, I will most definitely remember that hiding chocolate is a most appropriate action.